


Connie Swap Episode 34: Connie's Birthday

by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts



Series: Connie Swap [34]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Art, Birthday, Drama, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Momswap, Pictures, Romance, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU, connverse - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-09 11:49:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18916387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: Everyone is getting ready: for Connie's 14th birthday and Homeworld's eventual mission to Earth. Maybe this will be the year Connie has her first normal birthday. Or maybe some guests from waaay out of town will be joining them. They better not be expecting cake if they do.





	1. Crab Cake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By happy coincidence, MJ's birthday was Friday and mine happens to be today! [confetti]
> 
> That aside, like the episode _Steven's Birthday_ , this was intended to be a single-week episode, going up in its entirety today. We'd've made it too but a day-and-a-half of writing time got eaten by an untimely illness (mercifully passed now) so you can expect the last chapter (or two) later this week.

It was windy, the temperature dropping steadily as the nebulous barrier between fall and winter was being crossed. Priyanka had a long coat that went almost to her knees, insulated, with a fleecy collar she could flip up to keep the chill November wind from penetrating the Maginot Line of warmth she'd erected around neck and shoulders.

Priyanka found she liked cold weather but she hated being cold. At home she slept with the thermostat turned low while buried under layers of blankets, a polar bear slumbering in her snug cave, toasty all over with only her face exposed: the contrast of cozy body and icy nose somehow made the warmth more exquisite.

Reaching over to pull Doug in closer as they trekked across Beach City, there was another kind of warmth that made the cold more enjoyable.

Doug looked her way, a twinkle of merriment in his eyes. "You? Cold?" he asked, his tone wry. "Because I've noticed my thermostat keeps dropping when you're over. The only logical conclusion is that you're a heat vampire that likes to toy with her prey."

Priyanka rolled her eyes over a smile. "Oh hush. Now be a good Renfield and help block the wind." She looped her arm through Doug's, pulled him even closer until their sides were touching, then rested her head on his shoulder, the insulated collar of her coat acting like a small pillow.

She heard him chuckle and say, "This is what I get for dating one Dr. Acula."

She made the appropriate noise --dismissive amusement-- but didn’t hide her grin. To Priyanka's faint disappointment they reached the house of Dr. Brooks soon after.

* * *

There was a roar of excitement from down the hall, five voices rising in unison, one of them startlingly loud and gravelly especially in contrast to the four adolescent ones.

Doug looked over, alert, because this was Beach City and you paid attention to sudden, loud noises. Priyanka, deep in her unflappable doctor persona, covered for her surprise by smoothly raising a tie-dye-patterned mug of hot tea to her lips and taking a long, slow drink.

Dr. Brooks, or Becky as she insisted on being called, turned to look as well and gave a bright but lopsided smile, a thin scar running from upper lip to left cheek made more visible with the expression. "You'd think they'd won the World Cup in there," said the psychiatrist warmly, hands wrapped around a steaming mug decorated with flags from across the globe.

Before either Priyanka or Doug could offer a response, Steven's voice rang out. "Woo! Welcome back to the party, Samwise! I strike up a ballad of celebration in honor of our de-rockified companion."

There was another wall of excited noises before they went quickly quiet and an adolescent boy's voice --one Priyanka couldn't easily place but which, for some reason, made her think of french fries-- filled the silence. "With the broken, stony fragments of fallen warriors fitted in place, the _Stone to Flesh_ spell was indeed successful. However, there are side effects."

"Side effects?" asked Connie, the concern clear in her voice even to the adults sitting in the living room down the hall. Priyanka could see in her mind's eye the serious expression on the girl's face, eyes narrowing as if sizing up this newest obstacle.

Priyanka felt Doug squeeze her knee, a tiny show of excitement at hearing his daughter speak up. She smiled knowingly and took another sip of her tea.

"The good news is that Samwise has even more strength and hit points," answered the unknown boy. This was met with a low whistle from, to judge from Becky's deepening grin, Jeff Brooks. "As well as ranks in a couple more skills." There was the rustle of paper. "Sometimes."

"Sometimes?" That voice was unmistakably Jasper's and Priyanka could not for the life of her envision the orange giant sitting at a table covered with dice, playing a game of make-believe with teens. Priyanka had to resist the urge to get up, walk down the hallway, and peek through the doorway just to see it.

"Three-fourths of you are you, but half of the rest is Morrigan the Savage, a barbarian-"

Jeff interrupted. "That's the statue you wouldn't let me steal the arms off of for Captain. All I wanted was a falcon familiar with season passes to the gun show."

The kids chuckled, as did Becky.

"Yeah, no. Reason and sanity both vetoed that. Now quiet or I'll start rolling on the wild magic table whenever Tim casts." Whoever that boy was, he had an impressive deadpan. "The other half is Ying Yue, student of the Heavenly Fist."

"So Samwise really did come back knowing kung fu! That's awesome, Peedee!" thrilled Steven.

"Hey, you guys picked the statues, not me," defended a boy apparently named Peedee. "The point is, right now Samwise is a mix of heroes and you'll have to roll at the start of each scene to see which personality is dominant: one through six is Samwise, seven is Morrigan, eight is Ying Yue. If Samwise isn't dominant, I'll tell Jasper what Morrigan or Ying Yue want to do as a roleplaying objective, though she'll get to say how they do it." A sigh. "But, yes, if you roll Ying Yue then you do get access to some of her martial arts training."

"How do we fix it?" asked Connie, unwilling to be distracted from the matter at hand.

"Fix it? You don't. That's Samwise now. But if Jasper wants, whenever her character levels up I have some talents she can take to help Samwise, Morrigan, and Ying Yue work better together. That will give her more control over her own character. It's not perfect but it's better than being dead," finished Peedee.

"Samwise- It's Samwise right now?" asked Jasper. "Samwise says, 'Thank you for bringing me back. It is an honor to again fight alongside true allies. And friends.'"

There was a mix of cheers and 'aww's, the latter from Steven. Then Peedee said, "That's a good place to end. See everyone next time," followed by the general sound of belongings being gathered.

The eavesdropping concluded, Becky turned back to Doug and Priyanka, pleased. "I didn't follow half of that, but it sounded like fun."

Doug nodded. "It's a very engaging game, though I'm about two decades and three editions behind the curve now."

It had surprised Priyanka not at all when she'd learned that Doug was a lapsed tabletop gamer. He'd described a particularly ill-fated dinner date of theirs as a 'critical fumble', after all.

Doug continued. "I'm just glad Connie has outlets like this so she can be a regular kid once in a while. I don't know if I've said this before, but thank you for hosting these games."

"Oh, it's no problem," demurred Becky. "Honestly, the house feels a little empty with just me and Jeff. But with housing prices being what they are here..."

She trailed off and Doug chuckled, nodding in agreement and taking a sip of tea. His mug was decorated with Vincent van Gogh's _Starry Night_ : Becky Brooks had an impressively eclectic mug collection.

"On the subject of Connie, how would you rate her progress in therapy?" Priyanka leaned forward a little, her attention entirely focused on the woman sitting on the sofa across from her.

She'd learned years after the fact that that pose and tone of voice had been the stuff of nightmares for several of Anjan's grade school teachers. Not that she'd felt the least bit sorry for it.

Dr. Becky Brooks straightened up a little, her smile shifting from 'amicable host' to 'approachably professional.' "Connie is an attentive and thoughtful patient who has been sharing and participating well in our sessions. From what I can tell, she's pretty good about remembering the lessons we learn during our sessions and being mindful of them in her everyday life. She's expressed some frustration --she has a concrete goal that she's impatient to accomplish-- but she hasn't let that be an impediment." Dr. Brooks took a small drink from her tea and then set the flag-festooned mug back primly in her lap. "In my professional opinion, she's doing well developing the tools to cope with the stressors in her life."

Priyanka waited a few seconds longer, completely silent. Doug, who wasn't nearly so infamous among Delmarva school officials, looked uncertainly from Priyanka to Becky and back. When Dr. Brooks allowed the quiet to go unbroken, Priyanka finally gave a smile that wasn't altogether friendly and said, "That's good to hear. Thank you for the update."

Then Dr. Kurunthottical, the _intent_ mother figure, withdrew and Priyanka, the pleasant house guest, returned, adding in a warmer tone of voice, "And this is excellent tea, by the way. Perfect for a chilly day like this."

"Oh!" exclaimed a voice, Steven's, from down the hall. "Guys! Don't forget that Connie's birthday is Friday!"

"Cool," answered Jeff. "We'll be there."

"Actually, Fridays are usually pretty busy at the shop and Ronaldo's doing this travel thing now so-" started Peedee but he was cut off by Jeff.

"-So Peedee will try extra hard to be there." There was a pause that somehow _sounded_ like someone receiving a pointed look. "Right?"

A sigh and the sound of papers being straightened. "Yeah. Wouldn't miss it," said Peedee, sounding both relieved and chagrined at the same time.

Just then a large shadow fell across the hallway. Jasper squeezed through the game room door, the gem stooping and stepping through sideways to fit. She noticed the trio in the living room immediately, giving Doug a respectful head tilt of acknowledgement. To Priyanka she gave a stare and a silence so deep you could hurl a dozen squirming school administrators into it and not fill it.

For the first time, possibly ever, Priyanka had an inkling of why some of Anjan's teachers had crossed to the other side of the street rather than walk past her on the sidewalk.

A beat later Connie and Steven emerged, the later wearing his burger-themed backpack and the two holding hands. Connie froze in place, causing a traffic jam at the game room doorway. "H-Hey Dad. Priyanka."

Priyanka smiled but was eclipsed by Doug springing to his feet. "Hey cute la-" The pause was probably him remembering that father-daughter nicknames weren't for use in front of Connie's friends. "Hey you. Since you're having a proper party this year, I thought we could go dominate the arcade a little early. Want to find a good home to a couple hundred Funland Arcade tokens?"

Priyanka felt her facial muscles ache a little at the smile the scene put on her face, Connie doing that thing teenagers did where she went from looking like a little adult to looking like a wide-eyed child in the span of a heartbeat.

"That sounds awesome!" exclaimed the girl before seeming to notice the others around her. "And, uh, is Priyanka-" she started, uncertainty rushing into her voice.

Recognizing her cue, Priyanka rose and shook her head disarmingly, "I have to go back to Crossroads soon. I just wanted to get in a walk before I left." That was an exaggeration --she had several hours before she needed to return home-- but she wasn't about to force herself onto a Maheswaran family tradition. If she was ever invited, it'd be another thing, but Priyanka knew how to read the situation. She smiled at Connie, then at Doug. "You two have fun."

As everyone said their goodbyes and made their way out of the Brooks residence, Priyanka revised her earlier statement: she _should_ get back to Crossroads. After all, the party supply options in Beach City were rudimentary at best.

She'd heard from Doug how strongly Connie had lamented her previous, weirdness-infused, disaster-riddled birthdays. It had made Priyanka's heart (and frown muscles) ache for the girl. And if there was one thing she _could_ do, it was give Connie arguably the first normal, proper party in her soon-to-be-fourteen years of life.

* * *

Priyanka had decided to make one last stop before leaving Beach City: the local donut store to see if they offered party platters and, if so, if their prices were competitive. It was clear the fried foodstuff was a celebratory staple for Doug and his daughter and if ever there was an occasion to forget trans fats were a thing, it was a teenager's birthday party.

It wasn't trans fats that were the problem just then, though. No, the problem was the army of giant, cyclopian crab monsters that had emerged from the sea, one of which had scuttled forward, chasing Priyanka until she'd hurled herself through the donut shop doorway.

She was greeted by a stocky blonde holding a spear(!) and a gangly ginger with ear gauges and a heavy length of chain. "Welcome to the Big Donut," said the former, helping Priyanka to her feet and gesturing over to a dinette set nearby. "Help yourself to some coffee or bottled water. No charge."

Connie's Wolf ran into view, barking sonic booms or something at some of the monsters, flinging them back across the beach. This was all while still wearing his floppy mascot costume.

"Yeah. The city pays for stuff like that during crazy crap like this," added the boy, who had walked over to flip the 'open' sign around to 'closed.'

There were a loud couple of bangs overhead prompting Priyanka to give a short shriek. The boy gave her a level stare laced with judgement before turning his eyes back to the monstrosities outside. The blonde's expression was a little more sympathetic. "That was probably Peridot. She likes to shoot from the roof during beach fi-" A barrage of green energy balls began to rain down on the crustaceanal horde. "-Yeah, see, it's just her."

The shooting was drawing a lot of attention from the beasts outside, several splitting off to scuttle their way. Priyanka had been on the verge of preparing herself a cup of coffee but immediately thought better of it, her stomach warning her that any and all new arrivals would be returned to sender until the world became sane again.

The boy walked over and began tugging at something over one window. He struggled for a couple more tugs, swear-laced muttering filling the air. Finally he turned around and barked, "Hey, Player Two, a little help?!" With the girl's assistance, a storm shutter was pulled down swiftly and locked into place.

A giant wave swept over the beach, washing half the monsters into the surf. Lapis, swinging a hammer and apparently laughing, was dive bombing a crab that had been flipped onto its back. Meanwhile, a portal swallowed one crab and green energy shots peppered the trio that were scuttling across the Big Donut patio, large claws upraised and snapping.

Another storm shutter went down just in time for a 'wham' and the sound of shattering glass on the other side. It was only the complete indifference of the two employees that kept Priyanka from doing something sensible like panicking, though she'd retreated as far back as the donut display.

Outside, between the tangle of monster crab limbs, Priyanka saw a white-orange blur speed across the sand. There was a loud bang, like that of a highway collision, but whatever had happened was obscured by the protective metal shutters. The windows, well, the _intact_ windows, were being rattled now again by Wolf's percussive barks.

The pair tried lowering the storm shutter for the doorway when the pointed tip of a monstrous crab leg stabbed through the lower pane of glass in the door, the heavy metal shutter's progress halted. Priyanka definitely screamed at that, finding cover behind a heavy, refrigerated drink case.

The pair jumped back but again failed to do the sensible thing and cower at their store being _attacked by monsters_. Instead, the blonde flipped her spear around and began viciously stabbing at the appendage while the ginger pounded on the half-closed metal shutter with his fist and yelled, "Get lost you one-eyed a-hole! Go! Shoo!"

There was the briefest hint of yellow motion visible through the slats and then a thunderclap rocked the store, so loud it rattled _everything_ , cups toppling from shelves and coffee dribbling out from the machine. A fine rain of dust cascaded down from the ceiling tiles overhead. The monstrous leg vanished in a puff of greasy smoke, the storm shutter sliding shut soon after.

Sounds of combat and magic rang out, the shutters or a wall receiving the occasional heavy _thump._

The boy set down his chain and poured himself a soda while the blonde began to mop up the spilled coffee with a wad of napkins, her spear propped up against the counter. "Are you-" _wham!_ "-doing anything this weekend?" asked the girl casually, looking across at her nonchalant coworker.

Priyanka, meanwhile, had her phone out in front of her and was texting Doug.

_* PrKu - 2:40pm | We are moving Connie's party to Crossroads!_


	2. Inviting Sanity

Beach City was stranger than you thought, even when you tried to account for it being stranger than you thought. Priyanka reflected on this fact as she and Doug rounded the bend, the Beach House coming into view.

Also visible was a monster-faced Jasper and Lapis riding on top of a giant, green, seven-legged, spherical robot. Said robot had what looked like a mattress draped over the top of it and crudely tied in place with bungee cables encircling it top-to-bottom like a saddle on a horse. It was decorated with streamers while bits of confetti dotted its bulk. Several streamers clung to the bot's conical legs, making it look like it was trailing festive toilet paper after visiting a (presumably quite large) bathroom.

Lapis shouted, “Hya!” and whacked the... backside? The robot's only distinguishing feature was a large yellow star painted on it so where its front was, or if it even had a front, was completely unknown to Priyanka. Regardless, Lapis shouted and swatted the enormous device's side with a broom handle and shouted, "Onward to the party, Tik-Tok!"

Priyanka clung to Doug, a bit of sane flotsam bobbing in a sea of insanity.

Doug cleared his throat. Jasper, whose face was like some kind of shaggy bear crossed with a dog, looked their way. The robot swiveled around until the star was slightly off-center from them. This rotated Lapis until she was sitting with her back to the pair. She thwacked the robot's flank a time or two before, with an audible huff, she wriggled around to face Priyanka and Doug.

"Oh, hey Dougie. Doc," said Lapis to the two of them. "If you're looking for Connie, she's off with Stevedore taking Wolf for walkies," and she gestured the opposite direction down the beach.

As Priyanka was still at a loss for words, Doug answered first. "Thanks. We did want to speak with her, though we were looking for Peridot first. Is she in the Beach House?"

Jasper 'nodded', an oversized and monstrous face bobbing up and down.

Doug shook his head. "I'm- What is all this?"

"Practice," was Jasper's one-word answer.

Lapis gave the huge sphere another whack, seemingly just for the fun of it, then said, "We're rehearsing for Con-con's birthday surprise. See, girlie's gonna come riding in Tik-Tok here --he's way more comfy with the padding, let me tell you, plus it'll be like she's riding on one of those big elephant saddle-things-"

"A howdah," answered Priyanka, seizing on something she could contribute.

Lapis snapped her fingers. "Yeah! That! So Con-con will come riding down the beach on Tik-Tok-back but then Jasper will ambush her." Lapis clapped her hands the sides of her face, the broom landing forgotten on the mattress-cum-howdah. "Oh no! OJ's corruption flared up in a big way! Quick, Connie, give her forehead-to-forehead resuscitation! And as soon as she touches her, OJ pops back to normal and that's everyone's cue to jump out from hiding. Surprise!"

At the exclamation a cloud of confetti was fired into the air, raining down across Lapis, the robot, and decorating the sandy walk toward the Beach House. Lapis continued. "Then it's cake and presents faster than you can say, 'Fourteen candles!'"

Priyanka's hold on Doug became a squeeze as she tried to wordlessly convey what she was mentally shouting. Fortunately, Doug had the same concern as Priyanka, no telepathy needed, saying, "Please don't take this the wrong way-"

"That's always a promising start to a sentence," drawled Lapis.

"-But that's a terrible birthday surprise for Connie," finished Doug, giving Priyanka's hand an answering squeeze as he did.

"Told you," said the orange monster.

"Like hellyerite you did," snapped Lapis.

Jasper reverted back to her normal appearance. "Connie wants a party like Steven's." She shook her head. "No monsters."

Priyanka took a half-step forward. "Which is why we're planning on relocating the party to my house in Crossroads. It's what Doug and I are going to talk to Peridot and Connie about. After yesterday's crab-monster attack, I don't see how we could guarantee Connie the birthday she wanted if it was held in Beach City."

Jasper gave a curt nod --the gem's acceptance feeling a little strange to Priyanka-- while Lapis scowled, first at her and Doug, then at Jasper. "Harrumph," she said. She didn't harrumph, but rather said the word 'harrumph,' blue arms akimbo.

Jasper looked up at Lapis, expression neutral.

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice," snarked the blue gem.

The stare continued for another second before Lapis threw her arms skyward. "Okay, fine! But I still say the howdah entrance is awesome!"

Jasper gave a small nod and looked at Doug. "Yeah."

Doug froze, then, slowly, said, "We'll... give it serious consideration."

That satisfied Jasper, who stepped aside. Doug and Priyanka made swift progress past the trio, approaching the Beach House stairs. Behind them they heard Lapis say, "They'll have to pry this confetti cannon from my cold, blue hands."

"Patrol?" asked Jasper.

A pause, all while Doug and Priyanka made their way up the steps.

"Can I ride Tik-Tok?" asked Lapis.

"Sure."

Another pause. "Okay, fine. Let's go keep an eye out for any wannabe party crashers."

At the Beach House patio Priyanka saw seven long, cannon-shaped objects positioned around the perimeter. Four were yellow, with a stylized lotus visible on their sides, the same symbol Priyanka knew Connie's mother had favored. They gleamed in the November day, each trained at a different quadrant of sky. Then there was a trio of pink cannon-things, joined at the base and pointed to face out over the bay. Rather than a lotus, they had a conspicuous pink rose decorating them.

"And these are?" ask Priyanka, giving each a wide berth.

Doug's gaze lingered on one of the yellow ones for a second longer before he shook his head, eyes distant. "What? Oh, these are the gem-equivalent of artillery. The pink ones are old, but the yellow ones look new."

"Should we be worried?" asked Priyanka.

Doug gave her a helpless shrug and a wan smile. "Yes, but there's nothing we can do about it." He ran a hand along the barrel of one of the yellow weapons. "This is waaay out there on the other side of the fence."

'The fence' was Doug's euphemism for the magic-normal divide, a line he'd been wary of crossing for as long as Priyanka had known such a line even existed.

Priyanka gave him a slight smile. "Nothing we can do except make sure Connie has a good birthday."

Looking up from the weapon Doug appeared vulnerable, his expression grateful. "Yeah." He smiled that schoolboy smile of his. "Yeah we can." With that he opened the screen door and then pushed mightily on the inner door; it looked like wood but it was clearly made of something much heavier.

As Priyanka followed after, she couldn't decide if it was normal weirdness or something much, much scarier that the magical misfits of Beach City were turning their home into a fortress.

Sitting on the couch was an unknown boy hunched over a phone. He wore a loud shirt and a fedora under which unruly blonde hair emerged. He looked a little like the Peedee boy she'd met at Becky Brooks' home. An older brother perhaps? He raised his face from his phone to glance at the pair and then turn back to the screen, typing away throughout. Doug looked like he was about to say something when the boy said, "Just getting in some blogging before I'm vaporized and reconstituted. Unlike the Truth, you can ignore me."

Doug and she shared a look, neither sure how to respond.

Just then the temple door opened and Peridot paced into the living room. She was at the center of a cloud of floating displays like something out of one of Doug's pulp sci-fi novels. She stopped and turned to face Doug and Priyanka, the screens drifting to either side so she had an uninterrupted view. "Hello Doug. Priyanka." Her tone wasn't cheerful, nor was it icy: she was busy but too polite or professional to snap at them.

Priyanka knew that tone well.

"It is fortuitous that you are here, in fact," said the green gem. "I have spent some time examining the files downloaded from Citrine's archive." She shook her head. "Why she felt it necessary to print physical backups of the files when the hardware began to fail rather than simply allow me to effect repairs is-" Another headshake. "Anyway, I have encountered a maintenance code which, when combined with the appropriate cryptographic encoding, should allow us to unlock the holographic suite in Citrine's room within the temple. Connie had asked me about it before, having failed in her blind attempts at unlocking it herself."

Doug blinked. "Oh, that is good news. Could..." He swallowed. "Would it be possible for me to..." He seemed to remember Priyanka was standing beside him and he said instead, "I would _very much_ appreciate it if you would contact me before you turned Connie loose in Citrine's holodeck."

"I... see," answered Peridot, very clearly not seeing why. Priyanka had some suspicions, and if they were right then Doug would very much appreciate her changing the subject right now.

"Doug and I are here because we wanted to host Connie's birthday party at my home on Friday," said Priyanka.

Peridot cocked her head to the side. "Host Connie's birthday at your domicile in Crossroads? That seems logistically complicating. Is there a compelling reason?"

Doug gave Peridot an apologetic look, though whether it was him offering an apology or expecting one was unclear. "It’s so her fourteenth birthday isn't like her eighth birthday. Or eleventh. Or-" and he sighed, shoulders slumping. "Or her seventh."

That seemed to take the wind out of Peridot as well. "I- Yes, I see," she said, staring into the distance. With a minute head shake she focused once more on Doug and Priyanka and said, "Very well. Provided Dr. Kurunthottical's dwelling is adequate to housing the event, I'll agree to the change of venue."

Priyanka nodded gratefully; she never knew what to expect from the gems, what seemingly normal request would turn out to be a big, dramatic todo. "Thank you. Doug and I can handle the decorations, and I know an excellent bakery for the cake, though I was wanting your-"

 _"That_ will be quite unnecessary," interrupted Peridot officiously. "I have always prepared Connie's birthday cakes and this year will be no exception." The look she gave Priyanka could only be called _challenging._ "You will see me and the celebratory confection at the appointed time and place."

The air between women thrummed with mounting pressure before Priyanka gave a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and said, "Thank you. I'm sure Connie will appreciate some familiar touches for her birthday, like your delicious cake."

Peridot raised her chin slightly, not entirely gracious in victory. "Yes, I'm certain she would." Then she looked to Doug, her expression softening. "Was there anything else?"

Priyanka was just about to say 'no' and turn to leave but Doug cleared his throat. "Actually, I just wanted to make sure Bismuth would be attending too. I'm sure Connie would be disappointed if she didn't make it."

The green gem seemed a little unsure how to answer that. "Bismuth has been quite focused on her, erm, preparations."

Doug gestured toward the yellow cannons visible through the windows. "She made those?"

Peridot nodded. "Yes, although I believe the additional light cannons were a digression on her part. She has been very zealously pursuing a project of which I have… only limited knowledge. It is for the sake of our combat readiness, that much I have gleaned, and that she’s resistant to being pulled away from it."

Doug's lips became a thin line. "Unless it's actually going to make a world of difference, try to drag her out of her workshop, even if just for two hours."

Another nod from Peridot. "I take your point, Doug. Yes, unless it is truly dire, I'll be sure Bismuth leaves her forge and is in attendance."

There was the chime of a phone from the couch, the unknown boy standing up. "Speaking of the fist-forger, I have a corroborating report of the menehune on the big island of Hawaiʻi. Please beam me over there and I'll continue my investigation."

Peridot seemed slightly annoyed at the request but didn't object. The gemstone in her forehead glowed and then the temple door opened, a small, boxy robot with a single blue camera 'eye' emerging, the much, much smaller sibling to the one Lapis had been riding outside. "Very well. Doug, Priyanka, unless there is anything further, I will bid you both good day as I attend to Ronaldo's departure."

Taking the hint, the pair said their goodbyes and hauled on the heavy door to see themselves out.

In the background, they heard, "Claptrap will accompany you, conveying you via warp pad to and from your destination as well as alerting me if you are in need of emergency assistance. That said, you are to take _every_ reasonable effort to keep my ersatz robonoid in good working order. Yourself as well; I remind you that yours is an intelligence-gathering mission and if this 'menehune' proves to be a corrupted gem, Bismuth or otherwise, you are to immediately disengage."

Doug muscled the door shut, cutting off anything more that was being said.

"Do you have any idea what that's about?" asked Priyanka, already weaving around the alien cannons and heading for the stairs.

Doug chuckled and shook his head. "If my guess is right, Peridot has learned how to harness Internet obsessives."

Priyanka gave a confused smile, the two walking arm-in-arm down the steps together. "The sort of thing that's going to end terribly?"

Doug nodded, his boyish grin returning with full force. "Terribly well or just plain terribly: certainly one of the two."

* * *

With a swan dive and cry that was half shriek and half laugh, the tall, chocolate milk-skinned teenager plummeted from forty feet up into a swirling vortex set in the sand. They immediately rocketed out of another vortex positioned a dozen feet away, soaring probably thirty feet up before reaching the apex of their ascent and landing lightly atop a force field that appeared beneath their feet.

With a cry of "AGAIN!" they began gaining height, hopping upward while force fields vanished and appeared to let them ascend like a character out of one of Anjan's video games.

Wolf was sitting on his haunches nearby, panting happily and occasionally offering a loud bark of encouragement, large tail sweeping up clouds of sand as it wagged.

Doug stood there, eyes wide, mouth open, little noises of distress emerging.

The tall teen reached a suitably terrifying height and screamed "Cannonball!" leaping off the edge of their vanishing yellow platform, knees to their chest, and arms wrapped around their legs. A portal was barked into existence to receive them, the exit appearing near the surf so they could go rocketing out in a parabolic arc to land with a distant splash.

Priyanka managed to master her much-abused sense of shock around the time the figure was wading out of the surf, giggling uproariously. She leaned in close and said in a casual voice to Doug, "At least you know the grandchildren will be handsome and/or beautiful."

This was met with a strangled noise from the man beside her.

Priyanka cupped her hands to either side of her mouth and called, "Hey, uh, Connie! Steven! Can you come over here please? Doug and I need to talk with you about something birthday-related."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The promo was drawn by BurdenKing and MJStudioArts.
> 
> As stated at the top of Ch1, you can expect the rest of this episode to go up later this week.
> 
> There's an episode bingo card, created by the ever-excellent BinaryGeek from speculation within the Connie Swap Discord with only the episode's title and summary for guidance. Great work, y'all!  
> 
> 
> There's a fine, new, and quite clever omake you might consider checking out:  
> *) [Unpleasant Reminder](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/44696770) by [Unwary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unwary/pseuds/Unwary) \- "Jasper struggles with the personal repercussions of the corruption event and the sudden, hollow victory."
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	3. Wishing You an Un-Magical Birthday

Connie, or Asmi as she was called when she was... when they were...

Priyanka shook her head. She'd realized when Anjan's teen years had entered full swing that there were some things she wouldn't understand. With Anjan the lesson had been hard-learned; Priyanka had tried to understand her son the way she might understand a new drug treatment: ruthless investigation of primary and secondary sources. He'd found it a threat to his burgeoning independence and doubled down on his intransigence, prompting her to double down as well.

With the benefit of hindsight, Priyanka had tried to use a softer touch with Connie. Add in magic and Priyanka knew better than to think too hard on who or what Asmi was. What was important right now was that Connie was fine with her new, Crossroads-based birthday locale.

Doug drank deep from the beverage he'd purchased during the walk across town, the tremor in his hands mostly gone. His breathing was still a little ragged, but Priyanka was making a point not to notice it. Instead she was mulling over what it said about Doug (and what it said about her) that his form of liquid coping was lemonade while hers was a glass of cabernet.

Doug slowed down a little, reaching down to take her hand. He gave it an affirming squeeze, offering her a brief smile: the expression-equivalent of a 'thanks for being here.' Then his expression turned quizzical as they approached their last stop in town: the Universe household.

A large bus elaborately decorated with space themes and the word 'Universe' was parked in the driveway. Normally the tour bus lived out front of the car wash, a banner draped across it advertising the wash's deals and hours, but now it was parked in front of the family home. Were they preparing for a tour of some sort?

The doorbell chimed with a three-second clip of _Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band_. "Coming!" said Greg's voice within.

The ever-present wind rose, whipping Priyanka's hair around. She silently willed the door to open sooner.

"Doug! Priyanka! Come in!" said the affable and shaggy rocker. Greg was wearing a... confident cherry sweater as he let the two into his home. He took Priyanka's coat, hanging it on a coat rack before conveying the two to the living room. "Welcome. Let me know if you want anything from the kitchen. Should I get Starlight?" he asked with casual energy, all while Black Sabbath's _Iron Man_ played over the house speakers.

Doug shrugged then took a seat on the large couch, Priyanka settling down beside him. "If she's available then sure; Pri and I just want to talk a little about Connie's birthday party."

The musician's smile widened. "Yeah, Shtu-ball is really excited about it; he's been talking about it all month! He's been running ideas past us for weeks, trying to make sure he got Connie the perfect gift. Hang on, let me get Starlight. I think Barb's girl left a little before you got here so the shop should be empty." The man bustled away.

Priyanka looked over the living room and wondered if having a business- _multiple_ businesses (because there was the recording studio as well) in the house was really best for Steven's academics. Between that and the omnipresent music, she felt like teenage Priyanka would have had a difficult time studying.

Mary and Greg came in soon after, taking up seats to either side of the central coffee table, Mary greeting the two before jumping to the subject at hand. "What's this about Connie's birthday party?" asked the tall woman.

"Doug and I think it best if Connie's party take place outside of Beach City," said Priyanka and she saw that look of understanding on Mary's face. "I've offered to host it at my home in Crossroads, which is about thirty miles west of here. Doug and I have been raising the matter with all the key people: Connie, Peridot, and now you two." Priyanka gave an amused half-smile. "I don't think Connie would appreciate the change of venue so much if the Universe family were unable to make it."

Mary nodded, a warm grin on her face. "I think it's a fine idea, and I can assure you that we wouldn't miss Connie's birthday, wherever it was hosted. She's practically family."

Just then Greg, whose expression had gone a little distant at the mention of Crossroads, blurted out excitedly, "We could bus everyone to the party!"

Three heads turned his way.

He gestured vaguely in the direction of the driveway. "We've got the tour bus and it'll fit everyone who wants to go. Send them here and we'll bring them there!"

Doug shifted beside Priyanka. "We wouldn't want to ask too much of-"

Greg waved him off. "Don't worry about it. It'll be fun and the mayor will probably spin the whole thing as an evacuation drill." His grin deepened. "That means he can provide donuts for the ride out."

Priyanka's modest smile slipped. She and Doug shared a look before she asked, "Evacuation drill?"

The mood in the room cooled slightly.

Mary's knee nuzzled her husband's and the two met eyes briefly. Turning back their way, Steven's mother said in a calm voice, "Based on what we've been hearing from Steven and the gems... It might not just be the occasional monster that comes to Beach City. I'm sure you've seen the defenses the Crystal Gems have been installing in and around their home. Greg and I raised our concerns with the mayor and he agrees that it's worth being prepared for."

Her eyes never left Doug and Priyanka's but her hand patted a pocket, as if looking for something. It reminded Priyanka of a few of her colleagues who used to be smokers, a nervous gesture looking for that comforting pack of cigarettes. "Also, and I'll ask you not to mention this to Connie or Steven, but we've decided that if that does happen-" She stopped, straightening a little in her seat. "-We'll be taking Steven with us."

The silence, background music notwithstanding, stretched out across the coffee table. Priyanka was just about to speak when a flash of insight sparked, staying her tongue. She managed to reach out and grip Doug's hand just before Mary made her offer.

"We wanted to ask you two if we should plan to take Connie with us?" Mary had the good grace to look apologetic at forcing her guests to face a dreadful subject head-on.

Doug made little noises like the words kept trying and failing to get past his throat. His grip became firm around Priyanka's hand. It was an act of profound restraint that Priyanka held back her own response, an instinctive, loud, relieved, 'Yes!'

Instead she looked to Doug and waited patiently, literally biting her tongue. As much as she wanted it to be otherwise, this wasn't her question to answer.

There was a sigh and Doug seemed to deflate. Eyes on the coffee table, he said a touch quietly, "I want to take you up on that but I know I can't. If taking Connie to somewhere safer than Beach City had been an option, taking her somewhere away from..." His voice trailed off and he could only gesture to his chest, the same spot where his daughter wore her mother's gemstone. "...all of _that_ , I'd have done it long ago." He shook his head, eyes still downcast. "They'd never let her go and they could very well be in the right, the stakes being what they are. But most importantly-" and his eyes rose to look across the three adults present. There was defeat in those eyes but also determination. "-She wouldn't want it."

In a strange sensation, Priyanka realized that the 'she' in that sentence could refer to two different people. It was ambiguous and yet not, because the impact was the same regardless of who Doug meant. In that moment Priyanka felt very out of place, a visitor from a distant, saner land thrust into drama like something out of fiction. But what made her unmoored feeling _worse_ was that it just might be Doug, not her, who was being dreadfully sane and responsible just then. Was it possible Connie --or Citrine, if she had still been alive-- could make the difference in some existentially important conflict?

For one, terrible second Priyanka worried that maybe the stupid, reckless things the Crystal Gems did were neither stupid nor reckless.

Eyes a little haunted, Doug graced the Universes with a weak smile. "But I don't fault you for a second at wanting Steven away, should it come to that. And I'm grateful that you're looking after Connie's wellbeing too. You're good people."

The quiet stretched out for another couple of seconds, filled only with Blind Melon's _No Rain_ over the house speakers.

Then Greg gave a disarming smile and said, "Eh, hopefully we're all just a bunch of old worry warts, doing exactly what our parents did to us: trying to save the kids from a world they didn't need saving from." He chuckled and rose to his feet. "You know what? I just remembered we have most of a cherry pie in the fridge. I think I might grab myself a slice and a drink. Anyone else interested? We can talk party planning, maybe even see what's in the garage. I'm pretty sure I've got most of the stuff from Steven's birthday still packed away in there in case that'd make life easier for you all."

Doug was quick to accept, rising and following after. Mary and Priyanka shared a brief glance, the hostess giving her a look of sympathetic understanding, and then they followed after, the mood lightening swifty afterwards.

* * *

Priyanka woke Friday with the twin feelings of anticipation and frustration.

Later today her home would be invaded by loud and messy intruders. The home felt too big, _was_ too big, for just Priyanka. However, the years since her divorce and her son moving out to become a self-sufficient adult all his own had served to make it _her_ home. Semi-weekly cleaning service notwithstanding, if something was touched or moved in Priyanka's home, it was because she'd touched or moved it. It was a comfort, even if a lonely one.

But it had been so long since the home had had the frenetic noisy energy of family life in it, and Priyanka was surprised to find just how much a part of her hungered for it. As she made her way down the stairs, she paused at a portrait of Anjan when he'd been around Connie's age and she couldn't help but smile. She felt a little sentimental, misty-eyed even, but she wasn't sure if it was reminiscence or expectation to blame.

As she was preparing herself breakfast she received a text from Doug. He would be coming by in the next hour to help her get ready, as well as make sure her long-dormant outdoor grill was 'up to the exacting standards needed for proper burger and weenie preparation.'

Even via text she could hear the finger quotes in that statement.

* * *

Priyanka was weaving lime-colored crepe paper streamers through the staircase balusters when there was a frantic knock at the door. Doug had only minutes ago left on an errand so Priyanka couldn't imagine who it could be. By the time she'd set the roll of colorful crepe paper down there was another round of urgent knocking.

Priyanka peeked through the peep hole and saw... green. She opened the door, a touch confused. "Perid-"

"I REQUIRE YOUR KITCHEN!" cried the gem, her expression verging on panic. A little ways behind her were baskets of produce, a _large_ sack of flour, and an unlabeled crate that looked quite heavy.

"I- Um, that should be fine," started the doctor. "How long will you-" but she was bulled aside as Peridot and a basket of tech-levitated cherries hurried in.

"Assuming your appliances are of adequate composition and quality, two hundred and sixty-five minutes," said the nasally voice, already rounding the corner into the kitchen area.

As Priyanka heard the sound of cabinets being opened and rummaged through, she did a bit of mental math and then exclaimed, "Four hours?!" She had to step aside so that a green-levitated sack of cocoa beans could travel past. "You need four hours to... bake a cake?"

A mixer whirred and then shut off followed by more sounds of a kitchen being ransacked. "Four hours and twenty-five minutes." A green head appeared around the corner. "Minimum. Where is your cocoa pulverizer? Belay that-" and the green head vanished. "I can use your coffee grinder. In your experience, is it capable of continuous operation or does it require cycling?"

Priyanka stormed over, five floating fingers zipping about as her kitchen was, for lack of a better word, _inventoried_. "Why are you here, Peridot?"

"To bake Connie's birthday cake." Her forehead was glowing as she surveyed the interior of Priyanka's oven, a hum of disapproval on her lips. When she pulled her head free, the shine of her gemstone was like a flashlight in Priyanka's eyes. "I thought that was self-evident."

Arms akimbo, Priyanka ground out, "Yes, but why here? I know you have a kitchen of your own."

Peridot flinched, worrying her lip. "Bismuth and I improved the oven but apparently there were hitherto unknown... faults. My first two cake-baking attempts ended in, erm, carbonization."

"Carboni-" Priyanka blinked. "How hot does your oven get?"

"Inordinately so," said the gem in a bitter voice. "And my attempts to effect repairs were hampered by a..." It was then that Priyanka noticed one of the tethered fingers was soot-blackened and not moving much. "-By an untimely hardware failure," finished Peridot, her voice tight.

Some of the ire leaked out of Priyanka. Still... "Okay, oven problems. I get it. But how can it take you four hours to-" Peridot started to object when Priyanka said, "Four hours and twenty-five minutes to bake a cake?" She had to step aside once more while a box brimming with what looked like vanilla beans and fresh oranges was levitated in from the entryway.

Peridot looked at Priyanka confused. "How can you make one in fewer? Why, grinding the cocoa and vanilla alone take an hour apiece." Then her eyes lit up and she looked around intently. "Unless you have an industrial grinder present. That would widen my production pipeline considerably."

"Grinding vanilla? I have vanilla extract in the cabinet on the left, second shelf," said Priyanka. Then, when Peridot started looking under her sink, she added, "And no, I don't have an industrial grinder."

Peridot sniffed. "Oh, well, certainly you _could_ fabricate a confection sooner if you used lesser, pre-processed ingredients." Chin raised, the gem said in a voice thick with judgement, "The thought of doing so for _Connie's_ birthday celebration never occurred to me."

Priyanka's mouth opened and closed a few times, a growl threatening to emerge if invectives didn’t beat it out first. Then she clenched her fists and forced herself to take a breath, then another. Deep inhale, deep exhale. That’s what her therapist had taught her during the divorce. It hadn't helped much then, but it managed to keep her from throttling the snooty green interloper just then which was almost certainly a win.

Wordlessly she turned and returned to her decorating, taking particular satisfaction in tearing the strip of lime-green crepe paper so she could roughly tape it down and work another color in next.

* * *

Doug was helping Priyanka push furniture to the corners of her living room when there was a booming knock at the door.

"I'm not answering it," said the nasal voice from the kitchen.

Priyanka scowled at the section of wall separating her from Peridot, then followed Doug over to the entrance. He opened the door and then jumped back a second later with a gagging noise. Priyanka looked at him with concern then looked through the door to see the newest Crystal Gem, the one with the rainbow hair, standing there.

Bismuth, if she remembered correctly.

"Hey! I found you guys!" enthused the muscular gem. She gave Priyanka a glance. "Is he okay?"

"I-" started Priyanka when a gust of wind blew in an odor she didn't so much smell as instinctively flee from. It was like someone had tried to burn down a warehouse of rotten eggs but only succeeded in giving the fetid contents a choking, smoky aroma to augment the nose-destroying stink.

Bismuth stood there looking perplexed. "I'm missing something," she said, and gave the area outside a wary sweep.

"I suspect-" said a distant voice over the clang of the kitchen noises, "-their reaction is a consequence of the sulfur fumes you are exuding."

"Huh?" Bismuth raised an arm and looked to find a yellow, powdery substance caked between well-developed muscles. There was a liberal dusting of it over her apron and hair as well. "Oh, that. The forge makes a lot of that while I'm working; cost of doing _Bismuth_. I stopped smelling the stuff weeks ago," answered the smith with easy cheer.

Priyanka, nose seeking refuge under the lip of her collar, helped herself and Doug up. "You can't come in like that!" she barked, existentially fearful for her home given the ambulatory gas weapon standing at her doorstep. "Go to the backyard. Quickly- NOT THROUGH THE HOUSE!" she added, hands thrust forward when the gem started to walk toward her. "Doug will hose you off."

Doug started to make a noise of objection when Priyanka said, "It has one of those spray nozzles that can reach twenty feet or more if you pick the right setting." That seemed to mollify the man.

Careful to keep her nose covered and to breath through her mouth, Priyanka said, "I'd appreciate it if you hurried. I don't want the neighbors to catch a whiff and call in a complaint."

Bismuth shrugged, giving a chuckle that was too cavalier to be apologetic. "It might be too late for that. All the bases around here look alike so I just started knocking on doors until someone pointed me to the right one." She reached up and rubbed the back of her neck, causing a scattering of yellow particles to fall on the door mat that Priyanka resolved to throw away immediately. "That does explain why most of them made that choking noise and slammed the door shut instead of answering." She gave another shrug. "There's always something new to learn here on Earth."

As Doug, from a distance and always upwind, directed Bismuth around the house and to the backyard, Priyanka peeked her head outside and saw her neighbor, Mr. Piper, glaring at her. A few more faces were visible down the street, none of them happy, all of them looking her way.

* * *

This time the knock came from the window. This was particularly surprising given that Priyanka was up on the second floor making sure the bathroom was adequately stocked (and anything unsightly cleared out or hidden). She opened the blinds to find a cheeky blue smile awaiting her.

"Where do you want the water?" shouted the gem while gesturing over the backyard.

Priyanka hurried downstairs and out back swiftly, passing a kitchen that was a hive of activity, the drone of an overworked coffee grinder omnipresent. She looked up to see a sky that was actually a giant blob of liquid larger than her house, sunlight refracting crazily through it. That and it appeared to be... steaming?

Doug had done a good job disposing of the washed off sulfur so the rising nauseated feeling in Priyanka’s gut could only be attributed to the overhead lake.

Lapis landed nearby, wings vanishing. "I know it's too cold for your usual 'squirt guns and Slip 'N Slide' party, but there's a hot spring just a couple states from here. That water’s lobster-cooking hot right now but by the time Con-con and co. show up, we'll have a lot of warm, splashy-splashy fun ready to go."

Still staring up, Priyanka said, "No."

"Not in the backyard?" asked Lapis.

Priyanka lowered her gaze until she was looking at Lapis. "No. Nor in the front yard. Or anywhere else for that matter. Normal, November birthdays don't involve water play."

Lapis crossed her arms. "Well, okay, but you know what parties do?" She leaned forward like she was going to share a secret. "Awesome parties. Girlie deserves an awesome party, right?" she asked, waggling her eyebrows.

"She does, but specifically she has asked for a conventional, human birthday party, not a freewheeling, magical-" _disaster_ "-gem party." Priyanka used the voice she reserved for unruly children and patients who tried to wheedle unnecessary prescriptions out of her. "There will be nothing of the sort here and that's final."

The blue gem glared at Priyanka before her eyes went wide. Then she made what was probably meant to be a discreet neck-slicing motion while looking at something over Priyanka's shoulder.

Turning around, the doctor saw Jasper rounding the corner, the gem little more than a pair of orange legs and hands supporting a giant, above-ground pool loaded with pool toys and related miscellany. Turning sideways the Quartz saw Lapis gesturing, froze, then started to slink back out of sight.

* * *

"Decorations are good," said Priyanka, flitting about, Doug only a pace behind. "We have snacks and presents."

"The cake is proceeding as forecast," answered Peridot from the kitchen even though no one had asked her.

"Bismuth and Jasper have setup all the folding tables and chairs," assured Doug. "And I've got several pounds of beef patties on the-"

There was a clang followed by a blur of yellow out the window overlooking the backyard. Bismuth's percussive laughter was only a second behind.

When the two of them stepped outside they found a trail of ground beef leading to a giant yellow wolf that was trying, with laughable incompetence, to hide behind the bird bath. If Priyanka wasn't mistaken, Wolf was also trying (and failing) to chew quietly as the two of them approached.

The grill's lid was on the ground and the grill itself was conspicuously empty.

Bismuth was leaning on a folding table and laughing loudly. Then a table leg folded in, causing that side of the table to collapse, Bismuth tumbling over in the process. This earned a chuckle from Jasper and someone above and behind them, Lapis turning out to be sitting on the roof's edge like a particularly svelte gargoyle.

Doug opened his mouth to offer some sort of apology but Priyanka was already speaking into her phone. "Hello? Yes, I'd like to call in a pickup order. Four dozen burgers and hotdogs. Yes, four dozen. As soon as you can have them ready. One Doug Maheswaran will pick the order up. Okay, let me transfer the phone to him so he can give you the card information," and she handed the phone over.

Wolf swallowed and started panting happily. Priyanka walked around the bird bath and stared at the hound.

Wolf lolled his tongue out of his mouth, tail wagging slightly.

Priyanka stared at him, arms akimbo.

Wolf's tongue vanished into his mouth. He blinked, tail slowing to a halt.

Priyanka stared at him.

Wolf's ears slowly flattened and the tail tucked between his legs. He gave a soft whimper.

Priyanka stared at him.

Slowly at first and then with more speed, Wolf slunk away, crossing the backyard and not stopping before he'd ducked around the side of the house. A snout and pair of eyes peeked around a second later and then vanished again when they met Priyanka's gaze.

That accomplished, the doctor turned to receive her phone back from Doug, the man jogging inside and patting his pockets for his keys. In the corner of her vision she saw Jasper give her a respectful head tilt.

* * *

There was a honk, the hiss of the brakes engaging, and then the tour bus doors swung open, guests streaming out. Priyanka stood at the front door to receive them, thanking them for coming and directing them to where the presents table was located.

After Mary, Steven, and Greg emerged from the bus, the latter closing the doors behind him, Priyanka felt a curl of worry inside her. "Welcome to the party," she said to the Universes. She glanced around. "Where's Connie?"

Steven smiled. "Oh she's-"

There was the noise of a crowd gasping and the thud-thud-thud-thud of something heavy moving. Rushing through the house, Priyanka made it to the backyard just in time to see a giant, spherical, seven-legged robot stop at the presents table beside where a flawless black forest cake with fourteen candles waited.

With a high-pitched laugh, Connie slid down to the ground off the mattress lashed to the top of the robot. "Oh my gosh! This is perfect!" she cried, running over to throw her arms around Doug. "Thank you!"

When Priyanka drifted a little closer, wary but relieved that the star-decorated robot seemed content to stand still and not trample anything, Connie broke her hug with Doug to pull Priyanka in for a tight embrace. "It's just how I imagined it," said Connie in an emotion-laden whisper to Priyanka. The girl reached up and wiped moisture from one eye and then the other. "Thank you so much."

"H-" Priyanka's voice caught and she swallowed. "Happy birthday, Connie," she managed, suddenly feeling a decade younger.

There was a throat being cleared very _pointedly_ a few paces back. Breaking the hug but never looking away from Connie, Priyanka said in a carrying voice, "Peridot made the cake."

With a final, parting smile at Priyanka, Connie turned and rushed past. "Thank you, ma'am! It looks delicious!" cheered the girl.

Then there was a 'whump' and it began to rain confetti over the group, Lapis the roof gargoyle brandishing her confetti cannon and snickering.

* * *

**The Gifts**

Steven: tickets to a 'meet the author' event for the _Spirit Morph Saga_ in Empire City.

Lapis: A large, glossy photo taken from a helicopter (and labeled ‘evidence’) showing Connie, Steven, and Lapis sitting on top of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Peridot: a palm-sized device for Connie’s nightstand that cancels noise around it.

Jasper and Bismuth: metal _Lutes and Loot_ minis of the adventuring party, complete with real, to-scale weapons.

Doug: A G.A.L. figurine (given ironically) and a new, multi-speed bike (given unironically).

Priyanka: An English-translated copy of _Journey to the West_ with illustrations.

Wolf: a lick across the face.


	4. Epilogue

\--- Two Days Later ---

"If you lose your cool from a casualty, you’re that much more likely to become one yourself," muttered Peridot, scolding herself from her workshop while reciting Drill Zero-Seventeen.

She'd arrived at Priyanka's dwelling in a state of extreme disquiet because she'd rendered one of her much-abused, tethered fingers nearly inoperable. And, now, more than forty-eight hours later, she was never more than a moment removed from incipient panic because her attempts at rescucitating it had been largely ineffective.

If events came to pass as forecast, though she might wish otherwise, she could realistically anticipate further damage to her limb enhancers. And if each incremental loss of functionality resulted in her nearly poofing herself with anxiety, the others could suffer. Connie could suffer. The Crystal Gem war machine couldn't function if one of its central components, namely her, were-

An alert popped up filling her HUD. Peridot growled and tried to close it so she could better observe her damaged peripheral. When the alert failed to be dismissed Peridot went from surprised to angry to suddenly very, very still, a sensation like coldness seeping into the seat of her consciousness.

She'd programmed precisely one alert to be undismissable.

With reckless speed, Peridot bounded out of her room in the temple, sprinting across the hardwood floor of the Beach House. She heard noises of surprise from the others but ignored them, sharply rounding the corner to the lavatory/command center.

Swinging open the panel, she looked at the displays, a breath she didn't need catching in her throat. Now that she was at the command center, the alert vanished from her HUD and Peridot was able to see clearly what she'd suspected… and dreaded.

Bursting through the door Peridot didn't so much round the corner out of the command center as hit the wall and bounce off. "It's happening!" she shouted.

Jasper, who had been reading on the couch, carefully closed the book and handed it to Connie, who was sitting beside her. "What's happening?"

"They're here. Homeworld."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You knew it was coming. Folks have been speculating about it for months. Years even. And, to quote Peridot, "It's happening!" But first we wanted to give Connie a good birthday, a brief window to tie up some loose ends and give our characters a final break before things ramp way, WAY up. Besides, while MJ, BurdenKing, and I aren't particularly kind to our characters, we're not so cruel as to have a Homeworld invasion on Connie's birthday! Just... you know, two days later.
> 
> Per our schedule, we'll be taking a week off between episodes, so you can expect some omake content to go up this Wednesday. However, join us Wednesday, June 5th for the long-awaited start of **Episode 35: The Return**
>
>>   
> Homeworld is back! The Crystal Gems prepare to meet their ancient enemy anew.
> 
> Edit: Bingo!  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Keeping track of all the updates to Connie Swap can get a little difficult, can't it? It doesn't have to be! If you go to the [Connie Swap Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/630527) page and click the " **Subscribe** " button then you will receive an email alert every time a new episode is posted or a new chapter is added to _ANY_ fic in Connie Swap.
> 
> One button. All the updates.


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